“I’d go to the child first,” says Andrew Fuller, author of Tricky Kids. “Usually a quiet reminder that ‘we don’t do that here’ is enough. Kids nave finely tuned antennae (直觉) for how to behave in different settings.”
He points out bringing it up with the parent first may make them feel neglectful, which could cause problems. Of course, approaching the child first can bring its own headaches, too.
This is why White recommends that you approach the parents first. “Raise your concerns with the parents if they’re there and ask them to deal with it,” she says.
Asked how to approach a parent in this situation, psychologist Meredith Fuller answers: “Explain your needs as well as stressing the importance of the friendship. Preface your remarks with something like: ‘I know you’ll think I’m silly but in my house I don’t want…’”
When it comes to situations where you’re caring for another child, white is straightforward: “common sense must prevail. If things don’t go well, then have a chat.”
There’re a couple of new grey areas. Physical punishment, once accepted from any adult, is no longer appropriate. “Now you can’t do it without feeling uneasy about it,” White says.
Men might also feel uneasy about dealing with other people’s children. “Men feel nervous,” White says. “A new set of considerations has come to the fore as part of the debate about how we handle children.”
For Andrew Fuller, the child-centric nature of our society has affected everyone: “ The rules are different now from when today’s parents were growing up,” he says, “Adults are scared of saying: ‘Don’t swear’, or asking a child to stand up on a bus. They’re worried that there will be conflict if they point these things out – either from older children, or their parents.”
He sees it as a loss of the sense of common public good and public courtesy (礼貌), and says that adults suffer form it as much as children.
Meredith Fuller agrees: “A code of conduct is hard to create when you’re living in a world in which everyone is exhausted from overwork and lack of sleep, and a world in which nice people are perceived to finish last.”
